Frodo vs Rosie
by Rosie hater
Summary: Sam is suppossedly married to Rosie. Frodo doesn't like that idea one bit. How DARE Rosie take his Sam away from him. Find out what frodo does to get Sam back.
1. Talk of Sam

**Frodo vs. Rosie**

**Frodo/Sam**

**Ch.1**

"_What are you doing outside?" Frodo asks a crying hobbit._

"_Everyone knows you don't like me Mr. Frodo, so why do you care?"_

"_You can't possibly be that dense Rosie. Why are you unhappy?" –Not that I really care, but she's living with my Sam.-_

"_It's nothing Mr. Frodo. Really, go back inside the green dragon."_

"_Not unless I drag you back in with me." –And I mean literally dragging you in, cause that would be amusing.-_

"_You needn't bother. I'm not going back in."_

"_Fine." Hi sits next to her on the steps, being sure to have at least a foot of space between them. "Then I shall stay to nag you."_

"_Sam will notice you are missing and be sad."_

"_He'll notice that you are missing as well, Rosie." –Although I'm sure he'll jump for joy. - "He'll miss you more then me." –I can't believe I just said that! And obviously he'd miss me way more then this wench!-_

"_If I tell you will you promise not to tell Sam?"_

"_I promise Rosie." –Of course I'm going to tell him! You're so gullible!- _

"_I… don't think Sam loves me anymore." She sobs._

_-He never loved you! He had a stupid crush, yes. But that ended after we left! I'm guessing his dad picked up on that and figured it wouldn't change while we were gone! Why would he ever love a wench like you?- "Why would you think that?" He sounds disappointed. _

"_He's just seemed so distant from me since the two of you came back. And we were so close before you left."_

_-He's always been distant from you! I made sure of that!- "Well, Sam went through a lot on our journey together, to say the least." –A nice long journey without you! I wouldn't call it a vacation, but he was away from you the whole time so that made it great!- "You should keep that in mind."_

"_Yeah, I know. He was so excited to be home!"_

"_He sure was!" Frodo smiles. –And if you visited Mt. Doom you'd be happy to be home too!-_

"_Are you smiling at me Mr. Frodo?" She looks up at him, tears completely gone._

"_Do you have a problem with me smiling Rosie?" –Well it got the stupid girl to shut up!- _

"_Won't Sam get jealous of me if he finds out I'm getting one of your rare smiles?"_

"_He might be. Would that bother you?" He sounds curious. –She must be really hallow headed cause so far she's only said one thing intelligent.- _

"_I wouldn't want to get you into trouble for wasting your time talking to me, Mr. Frodo." She sounds sad._

"_I wouldn't worry about me, Rosie. Sam's inside with Merry and Pippin. He'll be too busy fending off those two hobbits with their pints and pipiweed, to notice either of us missing right now."_

"_Are you sure?" She sounds hopeful. Both turn to the sound of a certain hobbit who just walked outside and down the steps to stand behind them._

"_What's all this about me not noticing that two certain hobbits are missing? Are you two making bets on how long it takes me?"_


	2. War between 2 hobbits

**Frodo vs. Rosie**

**Ch.2**

"_And why would we ever think of doing that my Sam?"_

"_You know I can read you like a book Frodo, don't you try to pull off an innocent act with me."_

"_Oh man. You're no fun."_

"_Get back inside you trouble maker. I'll deal with you later."_

"_Sure thing Sam. But I'm not leaving till I get a hug!"_

_Sam gives Frodo a hug. "Now you're gonna make Rosie jealous." _

"_If she didn't want to lead a life of jealousy, Sam, then she shouldn't have married you. You were mine long before you were hers and she knows it. So why should I care?"_

"_Go inside before she gets jealous!"_

"_Well, just because you think I'll make her jealous, I will!" Frodo leans over on the steps and Kisses Sam on the cheek. "See ya!" He runs inside to join Merry and Pippin, leaving a shocked Sam._

_Sam looks over at a now pale Rosie. "Rosie…"_

_Her face turns red in anger. "This means war Mr. Frodo!"_

"_Rosie, Frodo didn't mean to make you mad." –Who am I kidding? Of course he did! It's his life goal to make Rosie miserable!-_

_The next day._

_There is a light knock on Frodo's door. "Coming!" He opens the door. "Yes Rosie?"_

"_I want you to stay away from Sam!"_

"_Now why should I ever do that?" –How DARE you tell me such a thing!-_

"_Because he's my husband! You got that!" She's all flustered._

"_I'm afraid not." Frodo is as calm as ever._

"_WHAT? What do you mean you don't understand?"_

"_I mean that you are wrong about him being your husband."_

"_Just because you refused to come to the ceremony doesn't mean that one didn't take place!"_

"_But you couldn't find the rings that day, correct?"_

_She ponders this for a few minutes. "No…"_

"_You must learn to think, Rosie. Henceforth, you were never officially married. Besides, Sam married me before he UNTHINKABLY married you. I had a right to ensure that you never got those rings. You lost my Sam a long time ago Rosie. And you lost him to me. Good day." He shuts the door on the dumbfounded girl._

_That afternoon._

"_You open this door right now Mr. Frodo!" An angry hobbit bangs on the door again. "I said open this door!"_

"_Sorry, I can't hear you! Try again!"_

"_MR. FRODO!"_

"_My apologies! He's not home right now! But if you'd like to leave a message, he'll try to answer you sometime this century! BEEP!"_

"_OPEN THIS DOOR –Eek!" A bucket of black goo gets dumped on her from above the doorway. "Rrrrg! Backdoor." As she approaches the backdoor, the mat falls from under her feet to reveal a deep hole. She drops into a pile of feathers. "Eek!" It takes her half an hour to climb out of the trench. When she's finally back on the walkway, she ses a mirror hanging on the door. She reads the message written in blood red on the mirror's surface. "_Oh, too bad Rosie. What a humiliating defeat I've handed you. I hope you enjoyed your little tantrum. It won't last much longer._ Oh my goodness! He's written it in blood!" She becomes horrified. "No! Look at me!" She sees her image in the mirror. "I look like a goose!" She runs home sobbing._

"_Not a goose, Rosie. A chicken." Frodo is sitting in a tree, having watched the whole thing. "You're so stupid if you can't tell the difference. That wasn't blood you twit, it's only red paint mixed with black paint to make the color look darker. You're so easy to scare and humiliate that it's sad. Yes, go crying home to Sam. Sam would be the only one able to save you from me. But I highly doubt that he would stand in my way since it concerns you."_


	3. Kidnapping Sam

**Frodo vs. Rosie**

**Ch.3**

_The next day._

"_Hey Frodo?" He is attacking a non-cooperative hedge with hedge clippers._

"_Yes Sam? Is something bothering you?" Frodo is sitting in a tree._

"_Do you know why Rosie came home crying and dressed like a chicken the other day, by any chance?"_

"_Maaaybe." A smile creeps across Frodo's calm expression._

"_What did you do to her yesterday?" Sam becomes curious._

"_I presented her with the latest fasionable chicken suit."_

"_It's got some nice fathers." He laughs._

_That afternoon._

"_Frodo, I have a question that's been nagging me all morning."_

"_Ask away Sam. I'll be happy to answer it for you."_

"_Why did you kiss me that night at the Green Dragon?"_

"_I wanted to see Rosie's head do a complete 360, see how red she could puff up and see if smoke would come out of her ears so that her head would pop off like a dandelion." He smiles._

"_Well you did a nice job of accomplishing that."_

"_So glad you enjoyed the show." Frodo jumps down from the tree._

"_It was an interesting event." Sam fallows Frodo to the house._

"_Well it's break time so drop those hedge clippers." Sam does so. "Good Sam. Now fallow Frodo into the house for a snack."_

"_Yes sir." They both enter the house. "Rosie told me to give you this letter. She said she worked all morning on it."_

"_She did, did she? Well then, let's see what she wrote." He opens the letter and silently reads it._

_Dear Mr. Frodo,_

_Why did you do that to me yesterday? It was so frightening! How come you started hating me when I married Sam? I thought we were friends. You were nice to me before, now you're cold to me. Please write me and let me know what I did wrong and what I can do to fix it. –Rosie_

"_Well well, it seems that she actually noticed that she did something wrong. Not that she knows what she did."_

_Sam looks over Frodo's shoulder. "What are you going to do?"_

"_That's easy."_

"_What?"_

"_I'm going to kidnap you!"_

"_Frodo…"_

"_Sam, do you have a problem with me kidnapping you from Rosie?"_

"_No."_

"_Then be quiet while I write a ransom note."_

"_Frodo!"_

"_Oh c'mon Sam! I'm only teacher her a lesson."_

"_A lesson of what, may I ask?"_

"_The lesson of how to give up trying to keep you from me, if she wants to escape with her life."_

"_Aren't you being a bit harsh?"_

"_I don't think so. I think I'm being quite nice about it."_

"_Whatever makes you happy."_

_Frodo sits at his desk and write a calm letter to Rosie._

_Rosie –_

_You misunderstood. We were never friends and you are shallow to ever think such a conflict ever existed. I was cold to you before, you're only noticing it now because you are a bird-brained idiot. Thanks ever so much for testing that newly made chicken suit the other day. I thought it looked great. Next time you should think twice before testing me. Frodo_

_P.S. I'm kidnapping Sam. Muaaaaa!_

"_My masterpiece is finished!"_

"_I'll go give it to Rosie for you."_

"_Sorry Sam, you can't come."_

"_Why not?" He sounds disappointed._

"_Because, like I said, I'm kidnapping you."_

"_So what am I supposed to do?"_

"_First of all, sit in this chair." Frodo gently pushes Sam into a chair and then leaves the room. He comes back with some rope and ties Sam to the chair. "And second, you stay right there until I get back."_

"_Hey! Untie me Frodo! This isn't fair!"_

"_Be careful my Sam, That's real elvish rope." Frodo hugs Sam, then heads out the door. "Don't worry, I'll be home soon. Now, to pay Rosie a little visit…" He leaves._


	4. Scaring Rosie

**Frodo vs. Rosie**

**Ch.4**

_At Rosie's._

_Rosie jumps at the sight of a figure in the kitchen doorway; then regains her composure. "Sam? Is that you?"_

"_Sorry, I'm not Sam. Try again."_

"_Mr. Frodo! You scared me! Don't do that again!" She looks around the room, her eyes searching for something, or someone. "Where's Sam?"_

"_My apologies, he couldn't come."_

"_Where is he? What did you do to him?"_

"_Why would I do anything to Sam, Rosie? I love Sam."_

"_Where is Sam, Mr. Frodo?" She sounds really annoyed._

"_He's tied up with something at the moment." –And literally, he is! With real rope too!-_

"_What did you do?"_

"_Guess you'll have to read to find out." He chucks something at her. She screams as a dagger lodges in the wall by her head. "That is a warning. Good night." He leaves as she notices that there is a note attached to the dagger._

"_WHAT? You kidnapped Sam! You're insane! You better give him back!" She yells, but her words fall on death ears. Frodo has already left. She occupies herself with trying to pull the dagger out of the wall. "Damn it Mr. Frodo!"_

_Back Frodo's._

"_Sam! I'm home!" He sounds all cheerful._

"_What happened? I need details! Will you untie me now?"_

"_Yes, yes." He unties Sam and puts the rope away. "Congrats, Sam. You are now officially kidnapped. How do you feel?"_

"_Confused? Why did you tie me to a chair?"_

"_Would you rather me have put you on lock down?"_

"_Not really."_

"_Ok then. Besides, I wanted to see your reaction."_

"_You're silly."_

"_So? What are you going to do about that Sam?"_

"_This!" Sam tackles Frodo and starts tickling him._

"_Sam!" Frodo laughs. "Tickling isn't fair!"_

"_Oh yes it is! This is your punishment for tying me to a chair!"_

"_No! Help! I'm being attacked by Sam!" Frodo teases._

"_Maybe I should tie you to a chair and kidnap you then!"_

"_But then I can't scare Rosie witless!" He complains._

"_And who knows what sort of mischief you'd be up to if you couldn't occupy yourself with that lovely hobby of yours."_

"_Hey! I'm not like Merry and Pippin!"_

"_Well you'd hole yourself up in this house and then Merry and Pippin would want to drag you out. Then they'd continue to come hound you and they'll get you drunk or tied up and locked in a closet or tied to the ceiling upside-down or shut you in a box –"_

"_Alright, alright! I get it! Must you list everything they've done?"_

"_No. I just wanted to give a few examples, that's all."_

"_Whatever, go to sleep Sam."_

"_Ok. Good night Frodo."_

"_Good night, my Sam. I love you."_

"_I love you too, my Frodo."_


End file.
